Let Teens Talk Back

National Public Radio (NPR) ran a story on January 3 by Patti Neighmond called “Why a teen who talks back may have a bright future.”[i] In the article, Neighmond encouraged parents to view arguments from their teens as positive signs of growth. Yes, dealing with their teenage children can be exhausting for parents. However, talking back is “a vital part of growing up” for teens, Neighmond says.

I completely agree.

Saying “no” is normal

In his book, Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It[ii], Dr. Gabor Maté introduces the concept of counter-will. Maté describes counter-will as a tendency all people have toward unwillingness to do what we’re told. When you tell your 2-year-old not to throw the baby food, that’s when it flies.

Too often, I see parents try to work against counter-will rather than with it. To get their kids to do what they ask, parents often use coercion or threats. But what kids need most is empathy for the reasons behind their behavior.

For a 4-year-old, empathy might look like this: “Wow, you must have been really angry to have bitten that other kid. But you have to know that biting other kids is not ok.”

For a teenager, empathy might look like this: “You’ve made some really good arguments. I understand how you would want to [do XYZ]. I understand, but the answer is still no.”

In both cases, expressing empathy has turned a negative experience into a bonding experience – you’ve bonded with your kid over their emotions. You’ve taken their views seriously, which raises their self-esteem. And, by not reacting with an outburst, you’ve effectively neutralized their counter-will. If you can be understanding and assertive when you disagree with your kids, they will follow your example and learn to be assertive in healthy ways as well.

Healthy resistance and keeping it above ground

Standing on the doorstep of adulthood, teens have an increasing sense of individuality that they need to express and sharpen. Parents shouldn’t quash this sense of individuality; rather, they should be empathetic, set rules and coach their kids on how to say “no.” If you don’t let your kids talk back – a.k.a. speak up for themselves – they could become adults who don’t know how to be assertive and will get stepped on. Additionally, not allowing your child to express any disagreement is too controlling and tends to drive a teenager’s natural rebellion underground. Your kid might start doing things behind your back.

Don’t forget that your teen will likely attend college some day. Going from an environment in which s/he has no freedom to a college environment where s/he has total freedom is a recipe for disaster.

Give your kids some freedom – and the relevant responsibility – to be contrary and disagree. This will help them bridge the gap between childhood and adulthood.

A word for teens

Teens, if you’re reading this, you have a job too. You need to prove to your parents that you can be responsible with the freedom they give you. If you show that you can be responsible with freedom, then you deserve every freedom you ask for. If you can’t even check in with your parents every two hours when they allow you to go out at night, then you might not be able to handle greater degrees of freedom.

For future reference

In the end, if there are good relationships within the family, teens will take their cues from their parents. As children, they’ve watched their parents make decisions, and they will use similar methods to make decisions for themselves.

Lacking opportunities for self-expression can lead to anxiety/depression issues. Let your teens express themselves, and encourage them to do it in a calm, persuasive manner. Finally, watch out for kids who may be super submissive and quiet, and encourage them to express themselves as well.

[i] “Why A Teen Who Talks Back May Have A Bright Future.” Patti Neighmond. January 3, 2012. < http://m.npr.org/story/144495483?url=/blogs/health/2012/01/03/144495483/why-a-teen-who-talks-back-may-have-a-bright-future>

[ii] Maté, Gabor. Scattered: How Attention Deficit Disorder Originates and What You Can Do About It. Plume. August 1, 2000.